The alarm rang so i got up. I was already late. As i was getting ready, i realised that everything that i tried on, looked awful on me. Ughhh, i hate going out. If i could do everything from home, i would be happy. Really.


Then my mother came in. She looked at me. Her look reminded me the look of all that people that were judging me... I suddenly felt awful. Then she told me: "When did you become so fat?"
Seriously?? She was partly responsible for my situation and she asked this question? I did not respond. Then she kept talking: "You can't be like that. You are a young girl with an ugly body. Stop eating". Like i didn't know what i should do. Yeah stop eating, Jessy. So easily said. But could please somebody understand me? I just need someone that is going to tell me that everything is going to be OK and to encourage me not just by saying something that i already know. How much do i ask for???

When i hear skinny girls saying that they are fat, i want to punch them in their faces so hard! Does this make me a bad person? I get mad when they keep repeating that they need to lose weight and that now that summer has come, how are they supposed to go to the beach like that..... 

And here i am, listening to these bullshit and telling them that they are not fat at all! Can't they see that this makes me pain????

All of us have insecurities. We are humans. We are not perfect. But i find it mean and harsh to talk about your "fat" body to a person who is indeed fat. That's not fair! For them, diet is easy. They don't eat for a whole week and suddenly the become skinny again, because they just need to lose some pounds or sometimes they don't have to loose anything at all. But they keep complaining about a problem that doesn't exist. And I have to fight everyday with myself, my stomach that is starving... And i need more than a week, more than a month... Not to lose only some pounds but almost half of my body weight.

I am sick of that!

I woke up thinking all the things that everybody says behind my back. About how awkward it is for me to be around people, thin people... That's probably the reason for not going out with my "friends", for not wanting to meet other people. I just don't fit in. However, that's not what i want from my life. I want to have fun finally. And my weight is a BIG, FAT obstacle. I can't allow that to happen. I have to do something. I miss my old me. A strong, confident woman with a nice body. Instead, now i am fat, weak, insecure and disgusted with my own self.

THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE. THAT WAS ENOUGH!!!

Everyday for me is a day of diet. I convice myself that i have to stop eating, i have to stop getting fatter and fatter. And when the day comes to its end, then again i go to the fridge and eat everything. That feeling is the worse feeling!

I feel sorry for myself. I do not have the power. 

I can never be skinny! 

I am that fat girl. That girl that is overweight and cannot wear whatever she wants.
The girl that goes for a walk and thinks that everybody talks about her bad image...
I'm so tired of being that girl...